I've been silent a while because of the overwhelming effects of my chemotherapy. Every new round brings mouth blisters and blisters on my hands. I feel like I'm on auto pilot most of the time, just trying to endure the pain and not think too much about the future. I'm getting a lot of practice in living in this very moment. Unfortunately, the more in the moment I am, the more parts of me get shut down. I don't really have the concentration to read or write. Sometimes it feels like there's only a small part of myself that isn't in pain. I continue to try to live in that small space, profoundly aware of the pain, but walled off from the full impact. I have no choice but to insulate myself to whatever extent I'm capable. Luckily, I got really good at this when I was a kid.
This is where the post traumatic stress disorder comes in. Admittedly, ptsd adds a whole layer of complication to life and it diminishes my range of feeling. Those are just a couple of ways that my survival mechanism that saved me keeps me chained to the past. However, the ghost of christmas past has a part to play in helping me to endure the present. I've got an enviable ability to place issues beyond the reach of my mundane thought processes. I imagine the difficulty (or fear, worry or pain) in a box. I imagine opening a door in my mind and placing the box inside of it. I bar and then lock the doors. While I know that the gift box will have to be opened and dealt with at some point, it's safely tucked away so that I can resume my life.
Everyone in my life tells me what an inspiration I am. They're inspired by my ability to find and celebrate humor. They're inspired by my steely determination to get out of bed every day and function at work. They don't know the secret. They don't know that I created a room in my head long ago and that pain gets ushered through that door. Pain and I have an understanding. I'll be back to deal with it as soon as I can. Pain is patient and settles in for the wait.
I've never doubted that I managed to grab some magic from my terrible past. I've used it in far less difficult circumstances than these. When things get too hard, I search for the correct incantation. At those times, I'm grateful for the terror and pain of my childhood.
