"Independence I have long considered as the grand blessing of life, the basis of every virtue; and independence I will ever secure by contracting my wants, though I were to live on a barren heath." ~ Mary Wollenstonecraft Shelley
Thursday and Friday of last week were tough. There seemed to be a general pall over everything, but I couldn't pinpoint the cause. My therapist suggested that it might be the end result of ongoing high anxiety. Hmmm...I didn't feel anxious. Of course, the only time I feel anxious is when I have a cold lump in my stomach. Other than that, I'm pretty clueless. Take the Xanax, she said. So I have been. It makes me sleepy, though, so I'm not crazy about taking it. If I split the pill in half, that has absolutely no effect whatsoever on me.
Starting yesterday, even I could tell I'm anxious. I just want to get the whole surgery thing over with. It's not so much a thing about being afraid of the cancer or the operation itself. I have no idea what the anxiety is about. My mother says this is predictable and normal.
On Friday, my therapist pointed out once again that I'm pathologically independent. I really hate it when she says that, primarily because I have no idea what it really means. I've always taken great pride in my independent spirit. I think for myself. I try to be as self reliant as possible. We were discussing my dismay when I found out I might not be able to dress myself after the operation. That means I have to depend on someone, primarily Hubby. I hate that I hate that I hate that! This is where the pathological independence quote came in.
I've never had anyone I could rely on. Not my parents, certainly. Not my boyfriends. Not even Hubby. At my advanced age, I wouldn't think it likely that I'll be able to curb my independence. As if there would be someone around who could actually deal with me being less independent.
I took my last Xanax at 10:00 this morning and I'm still feeling like I could just nap sitting up. Fuck.
America held hostage day 1375
Bushism of the day:
"Well, I think we need to work with governments and institutions and NGOs to encourage the institutions of a free society," Bush said. "See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office—I love to bring people into the Oval Office—right around the corner from here, and say, this is where I [have an] office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." —Bush, responding to a reporter's question about how he plans to accomplish U.S. goals in the Middle East
Source: Al Kamen, The Washington Post, "Rocking the Vote in the Middle East," Feb. 20, 2004
Website of the day: Center for Media and Democracy
http://www.prwatch.org/
