"Change alone is unchanging." ~ Heraclitus
I'm feeling a little spaced out today. I missed taking one of my antidepressants for a couople of days and it makes me feel a little like I'm having an acid flashback. Not in a good way.
I'm still living in denial about what's going to happen next week. I spent a lot of time trying to get my mind right about losing a breast and I still haven't come to terms with it. I'll just have to deal with it when the time comes.
Have I talked about how ironic it is that this is happening to me? I was abused over a period of years when I was a very young child. I had a father who absolutely could not keep his dick in his pants. I have this rock solid idea floating just below the surface of consciousness that women are valuable to men to the extent that they're physically attractive. See, I don't even like to admit that to myself. My intellect rejects that idea. I am, after all, a feminist.
My breasts have been one of my best features since I was a teenager. Now if it were butt cancer, that might be different. I'm not crazy about my butt and I never have been. Mainly because I don't really have one. Well, I have one now because I work out like crazy and I have well developed gluteous muscles. I've never herd of gluteous cancer before, so I'm not sure that's even in the range of options.
No one ever thought I was very pretty until I was about 18. Lots of people thought I was beautiful after that age and up until at least my early 40's. Some people still do, but that's just because they love me, I think. It's been a hard thing to give up, even though I'm very aware of the many other aspects of myself that are interesting. Nonetheless, it's a hard thing to come to terms with.
I anticipate being a much different person at this time next year. I don't recall when I started to be uneasy with the concept of change, but I'm definitely a little anxious about it now. I suppose that's why I'm so fond of the Nina Simone song, "Everything Changes." It's a heartbreakingly beautiful song. Everything does indeed change, all of the time.
I think there are definitely parts of one's personality that become solidified and resistant to change pretty early on. I'll always be an introvert. I'll always be intellectually curious. I'm sure there are other qualities that I came equipped with at birth that just are what they are. There is a fair amount of damage that was inflicted on me at a very early age that also seems to be immutable.
The ways that those qualities are manifested in my behavior have probably changed over time. Or not. Scientists can't tease out which is weightier--nature or nurture. I'm certainly not going to be able to figure it out. But I digress.
Right now, I think the challenge will be to open to whatever lessons are available to me throughout the coming year. I hope I'm able to recognize them when they become available to me and, having recognized them, embrace them. It's a tall order, I know. May I keep my heart and mind open. It's about the best I could wish for.
America held hostage day 1362
Bushism of the day:
# "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
—Bush, speaking about terrorism and poverty
Source: Public Papers of the Presidents, "The President's News Conference With President Macapagal-Arroyo of the Philippines," May 26, 2003
Website of the day; Sacred Text Archive
http://www.sacred-texts.com/index.htm
